Faith, Trust and Pixie Dust

Since becoming a mom, I have encountered a roller coaster of new emotions.  Some were expected.  Being so tired that I sometimes feel like I'm sleep walking throughout the day.  Feeling so drained at the end of the day from watching a four month old, which still amazes me.  I wasn't ever this tired at the end of the day when I was working from 8 to 5 everyday.  And because of the exhaustion, there's the flood of tears that are always threatening to unexpectedly descend on me (or my husband).

I knew that I would feel an overwhelming sense of love for my son.  A friend told me it's like having your heart walking around outside of your body.  One emotion I was not expecting is the absolute fierce need to always protect my son.  I mean fierce. I now understand the analogy of the mama bear protecting her cubs. Have you ever seen a mama bear protect her cubs?  I know that if I ever see a baby cub in the wild, I need to run.  Run as fast as I can to safety because where there is a baby cub, there is a mama bear close by ready to attack anything she thinks could harm her baby.  Yep, that's me and every other mother on the planet.

We are currently at Disneyland in California for Labor Day weekend.  I have been looking forward to this trip for so long!  Since we live in Orlando, we are able to go to Disney World all the time.  Disneyland, however, is another story and is an entire continent away.  This is my first time here and I cannot wait for us to make some fun memories.

As this was my son's first plane ride, I was anxious about how he would do on the six hour plane ride. Would we be those parents with a screaming child for the entire flight? Would his ears hurt?  Would we run out of formula or diapers?  And, worst of all, would he poop out of his diapers while we were in such a tight space?  (That one did happen by the way.  Good times.)

All of these are normal fears that I also may encounter on a trip to Target with my son. But as we were flying on an airplane with a bunch of strangers, I had larger fears.  Would something happen to the plane? Would my son get sick from someone or something on the plane?  Would we encounter terrorists?  Would our plane ride be a sequel to the movie Non-Stop?  All of these are things that I have no control over. They're fears, and they're real, but all of them are out of my control.

I have heard and read many people give advice on worry, fears and trusting God.  In Philippians 4:6, the Bible tells us to "not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."  It's easy to read and understand, but worry still creeps in.  I recently read a statement on worry that struck home with it's simplicity.

Worry is telling God you don't trust him.

Very simply put and a great reminder that, although we are not in control, there is Someone who is.  He knows what is best for each of us.  He cares about what we are going through.  And he can handle all of the stress, worry and fears that we have.  He is always there, always listening and always loving us despite our fears because He is love itself.

Love is patient, love is kind . . . It always protects.

Since I am far from perfect, I will worry on our plane ride home and I will continue to worry every minute of my son's life.  However, because of my faith and trust in the Protector, I will always be able to stop, remember and drop my fears at the feet of Jesus.

The Morning After

The morning after I delivered Christopher was surreal.  I woke up around 8 a.m. and, for the first time in my life, I woke up as a mom.  The day before was a distant memory and a little blurry.  Because I had an epidural and then a C-section, I had to stay in bed for 12 hours after my surgery.  Christopher was born at 11:31 p.m., which meant that I had to stay in bed until 11:30 a.m.  As Christopher was born with low blood sugar, he had to stay in the transitional nursery until he was finished with his antibiotics.  In other words, although I woke up a mom, I was without my child and I had no way of getting to him.

My husband, on the other hand, was perfectly capable of getting up that morning and going to the transitional nursery to see Christopher (did you hear the sarcastic-ness?).  Meanwhile, I was left in bed trying to remember what my child looked like, since I was kind of out of it the two very brief times I had seen him the night before.  A ton of emotions hit me that morning like a brick wall.  Before Christopher, it would take a lot to make me cry.  A lot.  And when I do cry, I do not like to cry in front of other people.  That morning, however, was an eye opening experience of how I would be an emotional, motherly wreck for the rest of my life.

My husband had been back in to check on me, only to be sent back to the nursery to FaceTime with Christopher just so that I could see him.  By the time my doctor came in at 10 a.m., I was by myself in our room and had been sobbing uncontrollably for over an hour because I could not see my child.  I had to see him.  I had to touch him.  I had to hold him.  I had to bond with him.  However, I still had an hour left before I could get out of bed.  My doctor then became one of my favorite people in the world as she held my hand, called a nurse and told her to come immediately because she had a mother who needed to see her child.  An hour later, the nurses had assisted me out of bed, cleaned me up, found me a wheelchair and wheeled me to the nursery.

The moment I saw Christopher, held him, touched his face and little hands, my world was complete.  I could not stop looking at him.  I was able to feed him and soak in his perfectness.  I was able to visit him a few other times throughout the day, feed him and just get to know him and his little personality.  The next morning, he was brought into our room and my husband and I were able to begin our new role as parents.

Looking back, those three hours that I wanted to see Christopher and couldn't, when I yearned for that bond and relationship with my child, that experience is exactly how our Heavenly Father feels when we are apart from Him.  God yearns for a relationship with us.  It’s the reason we are here, why we were created.  The relief, love, and completeness that I felt after I was able to hold Christopher and begin our relationship as mother and son mirrors how God feels when we draw near to Him.  We are His children.  He created us in His image, which means that our emotions reflect His.  Who better to understand our pain and suffering than the One who created us?  He, who suffered far worse than anyone, is willing and able to offer us the support we need, even when we don’t know that we need it.  All we have to do is ask.  So far, this whole mother experience constantly reminds me of how much the Lord loves me, His child, how complete I am in Him, and how much He desires my heart.

Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.

James 4:8

Who's in Charge

On April 14, my son, Christopher, was born.  It was the most amazing experience of my life, but it was also the most unprepared for experience of my life.  Nothing went according to plan.  My husband and I were prepared for a vaginal birth, my mom and sister were to be in the delivery room with us, and I was looking forward to the precious skin-on-skin time I would have with my son immediately after his birth.

We arrived at the hospital at 3 p.m. on Wednesday for my induction.  By 6 p.m., I was hooked up to everything, family came to check on us, and by 10 p.m., we were settled in for our last night as a family of two.  I started feeling very slight contractions by midnight.  At 1 a.m. (Thursday), the vomiting started.  My night nurse was absolutely amazing and was checking on me every hour.  The doctor was originally scheduled to check on me at 5 a.m., but because I was vomiting, she came at 3 a.m. and put me on the waiting list to go down to labor and delivery (yes, a waiting list!  There were a lot of babies being born that day!).  At 7 a.m., my family had arrived and we were transferred to our labor and delivery room.  I was given a walking epidural and my mom had joined the team. 

Meanwhile, somewhere over the Atlantic, my sister, Jayme, was flying back to the States after a 10 day trip to Ireland.  Jayme had served as a missionary with Missions to the World in Ireland from July 2012 through June 2013.  She served with a church in Greystones, County Wicklow, where she led the church’s youth program.  She had the opportunity to return in April to help with their Easter program and to visit with everyone.  She was scheduled to fly into New Jersey and then arrive in Jacksonville late Thursday.  We were praying that she would make it to Orlando before Christopher arrived.

Throughout the day on Thursday, I asked for the regular epidural, was given nausea medicine for the consistent vomiting, and had a small flow of family checking on our progress.  Between the epidural and the nausea medicine, I was feeling pretty good.  Because the nausea medicine made me very sleepy and a little loopy, I was getting a ton of sleep and, of course, with the epidural, I couldn’t feel any contractions.  My doctor was in periodically to check on my progress and everything looked to be going well.

By the grace of God, my sister arrived around 9:30 p.m.  Unfortunately, when she arrived, I looked my absolute worst.  I had been in labor all day, I was puffy, tired, and loopy.  At 10:30 p.m., my doctor came in for an update.  She explained that I was only 7 centimeters dilated and had not made any progress over the past five hours.  She was going to increase the Pitocin to help move things along and would be back in two hours to check on me.  However, only 15 minutes later, my doctor came back in, put an oxygen mask on me and said that Christopher was starting to go into distress.  She explained that a few things could be happening, two of which were that he was bigger than what they thought, and/or his cord was wrapped around his neck.  Unbeknownst to us, both possibilities were correct.  She strongly recommended a C-section.

By this point, not only did I look pretty rough, but I now had an oxygen mask on me and my doctor was going through the possible things that could go wrong with a C-section.  I remember looking at my husband, who was shaking his head yes, and looking at my mom and sister, who looked more than a little stressed.  After I agreed to the C-section and signed the paperwork, a team of nurses came in and immediately started prepping me.  I was taken to the surgery floor, and, 30 minutes later, Christopher was born.  I remember the nurse showing him to me and him being taken away to the nursery.

Because I had labored for so long and he was bigger than what they thought (he was predicted to be seven pounds and he was eight), Christopher was born with low blood sugar and was immediately taken to the transitional nursery to begin antibiotics.  I did not get to experience any skin-on-skin time with Christopher, but because I was still loopy from the nausea medicine and then from the surgery, I really was out of touch with what was going on.  As I was being wheeled past the nursery to our room, they briefly brought Christopher out for me to hold.  He was kept in the transitional nursery until Saturday morning, after he had completed his round of antibiotics and was cleared as perfectly healthy.

Many people have asked me if I was scared, stressed, or worried throughout Christopher’s birth.  Even though this was my first pregnancy and we really didn’t know what to expect and nothing went according to plan, there was never a moment when I felt any form of fear.  I trusted my doctor, my nurses, and, most importantly, my God.  I knew who was in control and I trusted in His will.  Without the assurance of my salvation and the knowledge that the Lord was in control, there is no way I would’ve made it through those 36 hours.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Joshua 1:9

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

God’s plan for this world is so much bigger than my labor experience and Christopher being born.  However, as Christians, we play in integral part in his plan.  Our attitude, reactions, and choices portray God’s love, grace and purpose.  Although I am far from perfect, I am constantly reminded of how I am a light for Jesus, even in the delivery room.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

John 3:16